I’m not going to go over the ridiculous, painstaking process of getting rid of this shit. Here’s an instructional video for that. If you’re an asshole, you’d just flush it, fish and all. But that’s still not going to unfuck your tank. The point is, whether you like it or not, if you own an aquarium, you are eventually going to be a fish doctor. Be prepared. It’s going to happen.
The Pet Store Worker Told Me The Solution Was Simple. I Just Have To-
No. Stop. Stop right there. I have to tell you something, and I need you to understand that I’m not joking when I say it: Never, ever, ever trust a pet-store worker. Managers? Maybe. But not a regular worker.
See, most of the ones I’ve met are high school or college kids who took the job for the same reason we all take jobs at that age: heroin money. Their jobs are to sell pets and all the bullshit extras that go with them. I’m not saying that they don’t care about the fish. I’m saying that they’re basically in charge of the temporary holding cells between the supplier and the customer.
I know that’s going to piss off a small group of people who work at these stores, and to that, I offer this apology: Suck my nuts. Every single problem I’ve encountered didn’t have a solution that came from a pet-store worker. The solution came from hours and hours of research on my own. To make sure that wasn’t just a problem specific to me, I asked several members of the Cracked staff, and every single one replied with, “Oh, Jesus Christ, no. Don’t ever rely on a pet-store worker for aquarium problems. Those people are the devil, and we hate them.”
That’s Cracked’s Josh Sargent, getting drunk at an airport and mourning the loss of the many, many fish he’s killed on the advice of pet-store workers. “You’re having algae problems? Well, I feel bad for you, son. Here, buy these two Chinese algae eaters. They’ll be fine in your four-and-a-half-gallon tank, swimming alongside your betta fish.” They were not. That tank was way too small, and it turns out those particular fish don’t just eat algae … they eat betta fish. Josh only found that by researching the problem, himself, after dropping nearly four million dollars on those fish. Josh makes a pretty good living.